piss off

May 14

I’m actually really hungry but I physically can’t eat I get sick but I’m going to make myself tomorrow until I can keep something down I’m already running on fumes

• I made this post the other day but I miss skyping with people especially people I’m close with a skyped a couple times last week and they were rad
• I’ve been wanting to hang out with my friends here more than ever lately
• I’ve eaten one small thing in the last three days and I’ve barely slept for the same amount of nights and i dont know if ill sleep tonight even though I’ve taken 4 tablets that are suppose to have drowsy side effects all because of sick
• I want attention for the first time in a long time
• I miss playing games and doing things with the people I did them with

Apr 22

i’ve been on the brink of crying for over 30 minutes nearly 40 minutes i hate this i hate this stupid depression and i hate these fucking mood destroying med side effects i just want to go to sleep and not wake up haha

Apr 21

how my dad reacted to finding out i have depression

• worried
• supportive
• called me up again today to see how i was doing

how my mum reacted to finding out i have depression

• “yeah right that’s bullshit”
• “the doctor is a fucking idiot”
• “just get out of the house and get a fucking life”
• “you better go to college tomorrow” even though she saw the  doctor’s certificate saying that the side effects from my medicine might stop me from going

Apr 17

i called my dad because i just wanted to talk to him about things and i ended up talking to him about how i’ve been feeling really down and lethargic lately and my headaches and how fucked up my sleeping’s been and he thought it was all related to how i’ve been sleeping lately but then i ended up talking about i havent been talking to anyone the last few days because of it all and how i feel about everything else and i was finding it harder to talk to him jsut beause it was getting hard to actually talk like physically talk and he think i might have depression. he’s always right about these things to the point where i havent taken medicine in years apart from painkillers for really bad headaches because what he tells me to do works.

great. i guess i’ll find out if he’s right on friday.

i’m pretty sure i’ve messed things up with nicolle because regardless of the state im in all i care about is myself and i’m scared that elise might not want to talk to me anymore or for a long while depending on how my doctor’s visit goes and i haha really don’t want either of those to be true but i can’t see them being false

i don’t think i can handle more or less losing two really close friends right now.

Apr 14

it’s hard going against myself even if it’s for my own wellbeing

i dont want deal with this. i’ve had enough. i’m sick of it.

Apr 13

i’m sad but oh well.

Apr 10

i’m keeping a lot of stuff buried right now wow